The Staff
by Darko28
Summary: It's a parody of "The Faculty". I've finally got Chapter 4 up! So R&R!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer-I don't own "The Faculty" and I don't own   
anything that has to do w/ it.  
  
Summary- A parody. Basic same plot but lotz of diffs, including  
names. So enjoy!  
  
A/N-I wrote this kind of as a script cuz I plan on making a movie  
out of it w/ my camcorder.Enjoy!  
Oh yeah, and instead of the major spory being football,  
it's golf!  
  
The Staff: A spoof of the Faculty.  
  
Scene 1-  
  
Int. Grass.  
Club comes up and hits the ball resting on a tee   
out of sight.  
  
Diff. Angle  
  
Golfer.  
  
Coach- This time hit the ball! Aaarrrgh!  
  
Practice is over.  
  
Focus on golfers walking away.  
  
Coach- Steve, I hope tommorrow you'll be able to hit the   
ball!  
  
Steve looks back.  
  
Camera back on the coach.  
  
Coach knocks over golf clubs. He's picking up the excess  
golf balls on the ground. His back is toward the camera.  
We see a shadow coming up behind him. But we don't see who it is.  
  
Coach- Look, I'm tired. Who is it?  
  
Coach turns around.  
  
Coach- What?  
  
Fade out....  
  
Scene 2-  
  
Focus on papers on a table.  
  
Move camera up to focus on Pricipal Sanders.  
  
Principal Sanders- Mr. Mange, no way can we afford to in-  
stall a crazy slide in the teacher lounge. The pool already set  
us back a couple thousand. And Mr. Constipated no super duper  
big screen t.v.s. You'll have to get your own cable.  
  
Mr. Constipated- Poopy.  
  
Principle Sanders- And Ms. Reubella, no 32,000 dollar  
raise.Get real.  
  
Mr. Mange- Get bent.  
  
Principle Sanders- What was that?  
  
Mr. Mange- Nothing.I bet the golf team get their new clubs and fuzzy hats w/   
the littles balls on top, Principle Sanders.  
  
Principle Sanders- Yes, they will, Mr. Mange.   
Because this is a golf town and that what the parents want,  
and that what the schoolboard wants in the name of education.  
  
Int. Leaving the building  
  
Ms. Reubella-(to Principal Sanders) you know, we really only need one raise.  
Mine. Think about it.  
  
Principal Sanders- I will. Oh, shoot, I forgot some   
completely pointless item, so I have to go get it, which  
will probably result in me getting killed, because this is  
a horror movie spoof.  
  
Ms. Reubella- Well, goodnight.  
  
Principle Smallpox enters the build and makes it the empty office. She ponders  
what to get. She finally grabs a book. She turns around to face Coach Distemper.  
  
Coach Distemper- Hello, Principle Smallpox. You look totally ugly  
in that dress.  
  
Principle Smallpox- Goodnight Coach.  
  
She tries to get past him.  
  
He moves in her way.  
  
Coach- I need to borrow (looks around) that ridiculousy   
pointy knife on your desk for the obvious reasons.  
  
Principle Smallpox hands him the knife.  
  
Principle Smallpox- Goodnight.  
  
Coach taps her w/ the knife on her hand.  
  
Principle Smallpox- Oh, oww. It hurts. Why did you do that.  
You must be crazy. Oh, now I have to run.  
  
She runs from the office, into the hallway. She runs into an office.  
The coach is right after her. She sees that there is no door. The coach is closing in.  
She grabs a frying pan . He is right in front of her. She hits him on the head w/ the frying pan.  
  
Coach- Ow.  
  
She runs out of the office and to the door.  
  
Ms. Reubella is at the door.  
  
Ms. Reubella- I forgot my frying pan!  
  
Principle Smallpox-Um,the Coach has it right now.  
  
Coach appears at the other end of the hallway.  
  
Ms. Reubella- He's here.  
  
Principle Smallpox- Eeeek.  
  
Coach- You forgot your frying pan!  
  
Principle Smallpox- You can keep it!  
Scene 3-  
  
View off middle school.  
  
Pan down.  
View of kids walking around outside the building.   
Camera focuses and follows one kid. The kid the kid turns  
around. While looking the other way   
  
Coach is closer.  
  
Open the lock and slips out just as the coach gets to the door.  
  
While the principle regains composure, we see the coach slip  
Ms. Reubella the frying pan. The Principle looks up at Ms. Reubella.  
Ms.Reubella hits her with the frying pan.  
  
Ms. Reubella- I really wanted that raise.  
  
Title appears: THE STAFF 


	2. Character Intros

Disclaimer- I don't own "The Faculty", "The Shining",   
"Scream," "I Know What You Did Last Summer","Friday the 13th",  
"Urban Legends", "10 Things I Hate About You" (from which I borrowed  
a line), Doritoes, cheetoes, or anything else in the -etoes  
family, and I also don't own Fruit Loops. Thank you for reading my extremely  
long disclaimer, and if you did, you're crazy. Why read this when you  
could be reading my extremely funny parody?  
  
Summary- The basic plot of "The Faculty", but w/ a lot of differences including, setting,  
characters names, etc. And instead of it being set in  
high school, it's set in middle school, 8th grade to be exact.  
  
A/N- Okay I have changed the characters names, so they are as   
follows-  
Casey:Cameron  
Zeke:Zane  
Delilah:Deborah  
Stokely:Strickly  
Mary-Beth:Mary-Sue  
Stan:Steve  
  
Enjoy!!  
  
Scene 3-  
  
Int. View of middle school.  
Camera pans down.  
Kids are walking around outside the building.  
Move to view of the street.  
Focus on an eighth grader, Zane Turner, riding his bike up to the school.  
He swerves, narrowly missing a few other students.  
Camera moves to see the sidewalk outside of the school   
entrance.  
Kids are walking on the sidewalk, waiting for the bell.  
Focus on kid walking along.  
  
Mean Kid #1- Hey! Cameron!  
  
Cameron Carson turns his head looking for the person who shouted  
out his name.  
He keeps walking head turned.  
Almost immeadiatly, he runs into a pole.  
He falls down.  
  
Mean Kid #2- Classic!  
  
Mean Kid #1-Works everytime.  
  
Cameron- Ow.  
  
Freeze frame. Name flashes on the screen:Cameron - Geek,  
klutz extrordinair.  
End freeze frame.  
  
Strickley Reynolds walks by Cameron. She's dressed all in black, and looks like she's got an attitude  
problem major.  
  
Strickley- Nice fall. I give it a 9.5.  
  
Freeze Frame. Name:Strickley - Loner, sci-fi whiz  
end freeze frame.  
  
Strickley bumps into Steve Hamlin, star golfer on the Overlook Middle  
School golf team. Popular.  
  
Strickley- Remove head from sphinxter, then walk.  
  
Steve- Hey!   
  
Freeze frame. Name: Steve - Most popular guy in school, king of the jocks.  
End freeze frame.  
  
Steve walks over to wear a group of girls are assembled, one which is   
Deborah Saint, Steve's kinda-sorta girlfriend, who's   
also the most popular girl in school, and the captain of the  
flag team, ajnd editor of the school newspaper. Deborah is very smart,  
but has almost no patience.   
  
Deborah- Ok, for flag uniforms I was thinking same basic design  
as last year, nothing fancy or wild, just a few changes, w/  
a look of nonchalance. Okay?  
  
Freeze Frame. Name-Deborah: Most popular girl in school, the indifferent one.  
Freeze frame ends.  
  
Steve- Deborah, I have to talk to you.  
  
Deborah- Not right now, Steve. The bell is about to ring and I've   
got to get to homeroom. I also need to pick the flag routines, and find   
aq new page turner for the paper. Now if you excuse me, I've got to run.  
Bubbye Steve.  
  
Int. Front door.  
Mary-Sue Hurley walks up to the door and enters. Camera follows.  
Mary-Sue is a smart idealistic eighth grader,who has a tendancy to romanticize   
the situation.  
  
Int. the hallway by the entrance.  
We see Mary-Sue examining a sign by the entrance that reads:  
  
Overlook Middle School  
Birthplace of the Ridiculously  
Overdone Horror Movie Parody  
  
Mary-Sue finishes reading and shrugs.  
She looks for the office.  
She spots a guy in a "Scream" costume and walks towards him.  
when she reaches him, she taps him on the shoulder, and he   
turns around.  
  
Mary-Sue: Excuse me, do you know where the office is?  
  
The scream guy points left w/ his fake knife.  
  
Mary-Sue: Thanks. I'm Mary-Sue Hurley. I'm new here.  
I just transferred from Richmond, Virginia.  
  
Freeze Frame. Name- Mary-Sue: New girl. The Cheerful One.  
  
Mary-Sue walks over to the door scream guy pointed towards and walks   
through it.  
  
Int. Office.   
  
Mary-Sue walks towards the desk where the secretary is   
sitting.   
  
Mary-Sue: Hello. I'm Mary-Sue Hurley. I'm new.  
  
The secretary hands her a schedule.  
It read:  
  
Overlook Middle School  
Parody Schedule-  
  
Monday- Scream  
  
Tuesday-I Know What You Did Last Summer  
  
Wednesday- Nightmare on Elm Street  
  
Thursday- The Faculty  
  
Friday- Friday the 13th  
  
Mary-Sue: Yeah! Today is Thursday. I love "The Faculty".  
  
Int. Boy's Bathroom.  
Camera starts on door, but pans over to where  
Zane and two other 8th grade boys are standing.  
  
Zane- Here they are guys.  
Zane pulkls from behind him two bags of Doritoes.  
He hands them to the two guys.  
One guy smiles, the other frowns.  
  
Guy #1- Dude, these arn't Cheetoes.  
(turns to the other guy) Dude, do these look like cheetoes, my  
favorite snack ending in -etoes?  
  
Guy #2- It's your new favorite snack ending in -etoes.  
  
Zane- Look guys, take 'em or leave 'em.  
  
Guy #1 looks skeptical.  
  
Zane- Ok, I'll throw in a couple of bags of these.  
  
He grabs a couple of baggies filled w/ fruit loops from  
his pocket.  
  
Zane- My own personal favorite.  
  
Guy #1- How do we know these fruit loops arn't generic brand fruit loops?  
  
Zane- Because I'm super smart.  
  
Guy #2- Why is that relevant? And if your so super smart, why are repeating the eighth grade.  
  
The bell rings.  
The two guys grab the baggies.   
They throw a few dollars at him to pay for the snacks and  
take off.  
  
Zane- Why would anyone be a drug dealer when there is  
so much money in the snack food trade. Ahh, the life of a snack  
dealer.  
  
Freeze frame. Name: Zane- Rebel.Missuser of resale value.  
Freeze frame ends.  
Zane walks out of the boys bathroom. He was going somewhere, but definatly not class.  
  
A/N: That's it for now! REVIEW!!!  
I'll post soon! 


	3. The teacher's lounge

Scene: 6 (I Think)  
  
Int. The teacher's lounge  
  
There are about three teachers in there.  
  
Nurse Hepatitis is sitting on a couch reading a magazine.  
Coach Distemper is standing by the counter drinking decaf coffee out of a mug.  
Mr. Mange is standing at the other end of the counter, counting the minutes  
until retirement.  
  
Mr. Shingles enters the teacher's lounge and stands in the  
doorway. He has a nasty gash on his arm.  
  
Mr. Shingles-Um, Nurse Hepatitis?  
  
Nurse Hepatitis looks away from her magazine, apparently annoyed  
at being pulled away from the intriguing article she was  
reading called "Ten Ways To Zap Away Zits".  
  
Nurse Hepatitis- Yes?  
  
Mr. Shingles- Um, I have the really bad cut. Could you bandage my  
arm?  
  
Nurse Hepatitis looks at him like he's stupid.  
  
Nurse Hepatitis- What? You dragged me away from my Cosmo  
for this? Of course I can't bandage your arm; it's my   
break.  
  
Mr. Shingles now looks really pale.  
  
Mr. Shingles- But Nurse, I've lost a lot of blood and-  
  
Nurse Hepatitis interrupts.  
  
Nurse Hepatitis-One word. Hospital.  
  
Mr. Shingles faints from loss of blood.   
  
Mr. Constipated enters the lounge.  
  
He notices Mr. Shingles.  
  
Mr. Constipated- Did anyone notice that Jim is dead?  
  
Nobody pays attention.  
  
Mr. Constipated notices Nurse Hepatitis.  
  
He moves over to the couch.  
  
Mr. Constipated-Will you be my neighbor?  
  
Nurse Hepatitis dosen't look up from her magazine  
but motions for him to come closer.  
  
He does come closer, and she flicks him hard on the nose.  
  
Mr. Constipated-Ow.  
  
Mr. Constipated moves over to the counter where Mr. Mange   
is standing.Mr. Constipated opens his mouth to speak, but Mr. Mange  
interrupts him.  
  
Mr. Mange-If you ask me to be your neighbor, I'll kick you so   
hard you'll be burping out of you're butt, and farting out  
of you're mouth.  
  
Mr. Constipated frowns and looks down.Then he looks up  
and starts to speak again.  
  
Mr. Constipated-Why is Coach drinking so much de-caf?  
  
Mr. Mange-Probably couldn't handle regular.  
  
Ms. Reubella enters, looking like she's gone throuh a mid-life  
crisis. She dressed like she's forty again. Totally different  
hairstyle, too.  
  
Coach Distemper looks up from his coffee.  
  
Coach Distemper-Ms. Reubella, you look totally ugly today.  
  
Ms. Reubella-Thank-you Coach.  
Ms. Ruebella smiles.  
  
Scene 7-  
  
Int. Hallway.  
  
Deborah is standing with a group of her friends.  
  
Deborah-So I was all, "Whatever," and she was all "Yeah right."  
So anyway, then Fred comes in and he's all "I rock," and I like-  
  
At this point Steve has walked up, and he interrupts her.  
  
Steve-Um, Deb, can I talk to you?  
  
Deborah rolls her eyes and sighs.  
  
Deborah-Allright. (to her friends) Gotta go. See ya after class!  
  
Steve and Deborah walk away from the group to talk in private.  
  
Deborah-(exasperated)What?  
  
Steve-I'm not playing golf this year.  
  
Deborah-You're not playing golf this year?  
  
Steve-That's not what I said. I said I'm not playing golf this year.  
  
Deborah-Okaaayyy....But this means  
that we can't kinda-sorta date anymore.  
  
Steve-What?  
  
Deborah-Don't you watch steriotypical teen movies? The captain  
of the golf team dates the head of the flag team. That's how it always   
seems to work.  
  
Steve-Oh...That's stupid.  
  
Deborah is shocked.  
  
Deborah-How could you say that?! All the hot guys in the movies  
date that way! Are you saying that the hot guys are wrong?  
  
Steve-No. I would never say that, considering the fact that you would  
hurt me if I did.  
  
Deborah-I'm sorry, Steve, but if you quit the golf team, we  
can't kinda-sorta date anymore. Why do you want to quit  
anyway.  
  
Steve-I wanna collect...rocks.  
  
Deborah-Well, we're not kinda-sorta dating anymore. Buh-bye Steve.  
  
Deborah walks away.  
  
Steve-Darn.  
  
A/N:Short? I know. Next up: Miss Burke's class. 


	4. Cameron's lunchtime blues

Discliamer-I don't own anything.  
  
  
Scene 6  
  
Int. Ms.Colitis' room  
  
Ms. Colitis is talking about the assigned reading, One fish, two  
fish, red fish, blue fish.  
  
Ms. Colitis- Why do you think Mr.-excuse me, Dr. Suess wrote   
this book?  
  
Zane raises his hand.  
  
Ms. Colitis- Yes, Zane.  
  
Zane- He was trying to pay off gambling debts?  
  
The other students laugh uproarously  
  
Ms. Colitis-- Um, no Zane. Dr. Seuss was trying to stop fish discrimination.  
  
Zane- Yes, but wasn't fish used as a metaphor, pherhaps to   
symbolize the people of the world.  
  
Ms. Colitis-Um, I-  
  
Zane- Like I said, gambling debts.  
  
The class errupts into laughter.  
  
Ms. Colitis- Oh, come on, it's not that funny!  
  
Fade out.  
  
Scene 7-  
  
  
Int. Gym  
  
Cameron is eating lunch in the gym, hiding from the 8th gradew bullies.  
  
Cameron- Bologna again...  
  
Coach Distemper-Hey, you!  
  
Cameron is suprised and drops his sandwich.  
  
Cameron-Eeek!  
  
Coach-Why arn't you eating in the cafeteria?(sarcastically) Afraid the bullies are gonna get ya?  
  
Cameron-Do the word 'wedgie' mean anything to you?  
  
Coach- Huh?  
  
Cameron- Maybe, 'swirlie'? How about 'girls bathroom'? (Getting really dramatic)Or maybe   
'complete humilitation in front of everbody at school, who I have to see every-   
  
(Coach cuts him off)  
  
Coach-That's enough. Get out.  
  
Cameron walks out as fast as he can.He slips and  
falls. On the ground he spots something and picks it up. It's a cheerio.  
Cameron gets up and he walks out of the gym.  
  
Scene 10  
  
Cameron walks dejectly out the tables where the other students are  
are eating. He sits down with the remainder of his lunch in his  
brown lunch bag.  
  
Mary-Sue walks up to his table and sits down.  
  
Mary-Sue-Hey, you, can I sit here?  
  
Cameron eyes her suspiciously.  
  
Cameron- Aren't you looking for Strickley?  
  
Mary-Sue- The script said I had to eat lunch with the weirdo with no friends. You  
pretty much fit tht description.  
  
Cameron-Hey, I'm not a weirdo. I'm a geek, thank-you very much.  
  
Mary-Sue shruggs.  
  
Mary-Sue-Eh, you'll do.  
  
Cameron-Your seriously going to mess up the whole story  
-line.  
  
Mary-Sue-(Dramatically and mocking him) I think I can live with that choice.  
  
The lunchlady is walking around handing out baggie of cheerios to the  
students. Cameron looks suspicious.  
  
Cameron-That's nutritionnal food.Since when did they start caring about our well being....  
  
Fade out.  
  
Scene 11-  
  
Int- Health and Foods class.  
  
Cameron walks in.He trips over the leg of the desk, and fall. He picks  
himself up and keeps on walking. A few other people are in there talking.  
Cameron walks up to the teacher Ms. E. Coli  
  
Cameron- Ms. E. Coli, I found this in the gym.  
  
He hands the food to the teacher. She studies it carefully.  
  
Ms. E. Coli- Well, this certinly looks like a cheerio, but it's   
really a cheap knock off. I'll put it here for now.  
  
Cameron-Isn't it like supposed to be more complicated than that.  
  
Ms. E. Coli-Quiet you.  
  
Scene 11-  
  
Mr. Mange's History class.  
  
Camera goes around the room to see all the kids in the class, except   
Zane eating their bags of cheerios.  
We see a bag of cheerios in Mr. Mange's hand.  
  
Mr. Mange-What was the cause of the civil war?  
  
Zane raises his hand.  
  
Mr. Mange sighs.  
  
Mr. Mange- Yes, Zane?  
  
Zane-Robert E. Lee made fun of Lincoln hat.  
  
Nobody laughs. Everybody contiues to eat their cheerios and   
pay attention to Mr. Mange.  
  
Mr. Mange-No, Zane.  
  
Zane looks around like he can believe it.  
  
Zane-Come on people, that was funny!  
  
Nobody laughs. Everybody is eating cheerios and paying  
attention to Mr. Mange.  
  
Zane turns around dejectedly and slumps down in his seat.  
  
Zane- For the love of...  
  
Fade out. 


End file.
